Drunken Soybean

Something struck me from Cherie Carter-Scott’s If Life Is A Game, These Are The Rules. In one chapter, she talks about how the relationships we form are often a mirror of our inner world, reflecting the beliefs we hold about ourselves. The people we attract into our lives reflect our own thoughts, emotions, and unresolved issues.

I’ve noticed that I often attract people who fall short of what I really want. And now I’m wondering—am I projecting those traits onto them, or is it that I’m subconsciously drawn to people who represent something familiar to me, even if it’s unhealthy? Maybe it’s because of past trauma, where I learned to tolerate bad behavior, not just from others, but also from myself. It’s easier to accept things as they are because, well, they feel familiar.

I realize these patterns. I never stand up for myself. I cower in fear that people will hate or reject me if I express things I don’t like, without realizing that it’s an unhealthy trait to have.

I’ve never been honest with anyone—or even myself—about what I truly want. So, I just go along with whatever people give me, even if it’s not what I deserve. I let things slide, telling myself, “Yeah, you’re cool. You’re okay,” even when I know they’re not. This bad habit has only worsened over time, especially in relationships.

For the longest time, I didn’t even know what love was, or I didn’t have a clear understanding of what it should look like for me. So, when attraction came my way, I confused it with love. But I always had that incomplete feeling, that gut feeling telling me, “This is not it.”

Love isn’t just about going out, making out, and laughing at jokes. It’s so much more than that. For me, love is about respect, patience, kindness, communication, and, most importantly, a mutual intention to make each other happy. Who doesn’t want that, right? I learned all of this in a way that’s been strange, sometimes even fun, but ultimately important.

Unlearning and relearning is a challenge, but I hope to continue, becoming more aware and reflective. It’s a struggle to find and knowing myself but—this is the greatest gift I could wish for.

And despite everything, I still want to give a shout-out to the man I met. We were both imperfect in our own ways, and you deserve the best of everything in the world. I still care about you, wherever you are on this planet.